Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
