You just made me feel so damn special
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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