Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
