the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize