I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize