We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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