I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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