when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
