nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
