Sponge bath it is.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
