My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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