Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
