What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
