Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
