i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
