I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
