so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
