you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
