just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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