Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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