I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
