Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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