Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
