Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
