nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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