I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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