I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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