My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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