Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Houston, we have a squirter
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
