Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
