i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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