I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
