peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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