she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
