god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
