It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize