That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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