I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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