the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
