don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
