Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
