this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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