dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
