Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
