my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
