I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Success! We fucked roommates!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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