No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
