the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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