It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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