I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
