You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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