I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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