had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
