Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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