Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
