I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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