Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
