He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
