in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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