Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
