omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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