So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think my moral compass just broke
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
