It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
