i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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