i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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